Five NFL Teams have adopted a “no kneeling” rule ahead of the 2023-24 regular season. The move comes after the league released the teams from contractual obligations regarding 1st Amendment rights as they apply to a private workplace.

“The league said we don’t have to provide a 1st Amendment venue since we’re not the federal government,” said St. Louis Rams General

Manager Joe Barron, “We are absolutely allowed to police our own locker room and make our own rules.”

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More than a dozen players have already been put on waivers for expressing their intention to kneel.

“It’s not so much of an epidemic as it used to be,” said Barron, “but the league still feels the shockwaves.”

More teams are likely to join the ranks, with the benefits of showing respect for our troops far outweighing the benefit of peaceful protest.

The Rams will be joined by the former Cleveland Browns, the Baltimore Colts, The Houston Oilers, and the Oakland Raiders. “More are on the way,” said Barron, “just as soon as they pack up and leave whatever city they’re currently in.”

The Chicago Cardinals and Los Angeles Chargers are probably next, according to the weird logic of this article. There’s some speculation that Jacksonville might move to London, which would make the whole thing a clusterphuck of silliness, especially if they also have a bunch of culture war lunatics believing anything they read on social media.

The NFL says it will